Bad choices last a long time...

I got married too young. Too fast. And believed too much in the permanency of marriage. Religion had convinced me that if I had sex outside of marriage that I was going to pay for that in all eternity. So I got married to the first person who asked me to. He was kind and seductive. He showered me with gifts. He adored me with all his heart. He got me an apartment to stay in. He touched me gently. His kisses burned me like fire. I figured I could make anything work with anyone so even after a few months when he started to get violent, I figured that it was just an aberration. How could such a nice man actually do mean things like that on purpose? My parents marriage had failed but mine wasn't going to, no matter what. I married a man nine years my senior. He was violent, punching walls, the car, throwing things, and screaming at me for anything I did that he didn't particularly like that I said or did. I thought that if I just became "better" and "nicer" that everything would be fine because I knew that all these things were my fault....he told me so. Six months after I met him we were married in spite of the violence that I experienced during that time. I knew I didn't want to marry him while we were engaged but in my mind, it was too late. The invitations were sent, the wedding was planned and the dress was bought. And besides I wanted to have sex so badly that I couldn't think of much else. "God" didn't want me to have sex outside of marriage. I had wanted to be a doctor or a mother and chose mother to an abuser's kids. When you are married to an abuser, they are not your kids, let me tell you that. All ten of them are his and not mine. Abusers have a twisted sense of reality. The kids, the house, the furniture, the belongings and the children are his. Not his and mine. His. So this will be my story. I need to tell it. I need to tell it where all the judging will be done by cyber criticizers and not people who can yell at me to my face. I am tired. After getting cancer, going to court so many times, raising all these kids, appeasing an abuser, I am tired. And I need to tell my side to anyone who cares. My years of silence are over.