What do I hold on to?

There doesn't seem anything to be any way out of this terrible situation. My ex is not normal. He is making sure that I pay for leaving him. He is making no effort to make sure that I can see the kids. And it's funny, my subconscious still makes up excuse for him like I always did. He always made sure that I knew everything was my fault. He is doing it still and I still fall for it.