Crazy making...

Have you ever expressed an opinion or feeling and been told that what you just said was not true and was stupid? Then thought that you probably were stupid?

Have you ever been yelled at, told you were an idiot, annoying, stupid and mentally unstable just for saying that you didn't agree with something someone said? Then actually believed what that person said?

Have you ever been excited about an idea or just been babbling about something you were thinking and then been screamed at like you were a total imbecile and told that you were saying those things just to try to control the other person?

Have you ever tried to make and keep friendships but been isolated and kept from them as soon as you got close? Been told that they were not good for you and that they were trying to harm you? You didn't think so, but began to doubt everything you thought because the other person was older than you and had more experience?

Have you ever been kept awake repeatedly and not been allowed to sleep? Have you begged to sleep and been told that you were demanding, messed up, annoying and should just manage by yourself?

Have you ever been promised that tomorrow you would get a massage or some special little treat for your birthday and then done or said some little tiny thing wrong and not been worthy of that nice treatment? Then wondered for weeks after what you could have done differently because it was obviously your fault?

Have you ever walked on eggshells around someone knowing that you could say or do something that could make him blow up and you would be weeks and weeks yelled at for every word that came out of your mouth? Then literally spent years reliving every word, thought and gesture, wondering if you could have done something differently?

Have you ever been made to feel like you are unworthy of attention, love or respect because everything you say or do is intentionally twisted out of context and you are made out to sound like a lazy, stupid, unworthy, aggressive, crazy, controlling and manipulative woman?

Have these things ever repeatedly happened to you until you questioned every single word that came out of your mouth?

And then have you had your children stolen from this same person? And have no one around you believe the agony and torture you have lived through for so many years?

Have you ever awoken night after night with dreams of your stolen children? Then lain awake for hours wondering how you could have said or done things differently to not let that happen?

Have you ever been diagnosed with cancer and known you deserved it?

If you have, please let me know how you are doing today. It has been five years since I left that person and yet the sleepless nights and guilt are not getting any better. That person is dragging me to court and lying to the judges, lawyers and child protection services all the time. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I've told the truth. Every step of the way. I have not exaggerated, lied, changed or twisted the events.

Yet, nobody believes me. It is so strange to have clung so tightly to the truth fo so long and then being displayed for the world like a manipulator and a liar. I put up with the worst kind of psychological abuse until I honestly felt I was going crazy. When I finally dared to try and escape, the "truth" became strangely modified and I was now the bad guy. After twenty years of trying so hard to make my ex happy, he now tells everyone that I am trying to destroy his life for nothing. He tells child protection services that I am making up lies to destroy him. He tells the judge that I am crazy and after him for revenge. He tells everyone who will listen that I was not abused but that I am making everything up. He tells storied about how wonderful he was, that he helped with all the kids, did school with them, supported all of us financially and renovated and paid for the whole house. He of course did nothing of the sort but he is so convincing. I always kept a smile on my face and hid his abuse for everyone around us. No one knew. I burned all my journals, shredded them the day I separated from my ex. I was so glad to be rid of his abuse. But it never stops. And it never will.

One word of advice for those who are hoping to escape their abusers. Document everything. Don't leave until you have kept detailed notes of what he is doing. Record the psychological abuse if possible. Take pictures of the bruises and the holes in the walls. Note times and dates of the neglect and abuse toward your children. Remember that your abuser will turn on you and you need to be prepared. Talk to EVERYONE around about how you are being treated. Call the police when you are scared. Get a restraining order. Make sure that the abuse has a paper trail because believe me, when you leave, your whole life story will become one big lie to everyone around you.

I am a survivor.

Cancer might have attacked me but I am going to attack life back with a vengeance. And live well. What more can I do? But live well. I now have custody of my thirteen year old. He was kicked and punched by his father. My son refused to go back home and at first the social workers would not even let him come to my house, accusing me of parental conflict. The lies my ex is perpetuating are horrific. He is working hard at alienating the children from me. But finally I was able to get him and he is doing much better. His anger issues are calming, he is doing his homework, he is no longer failing french and english, he is motivated and happy. Skiing has been a way of getting out his frustrations and he is losing some of the extra weight that was making him unhappy.

So what do I do now to support him? I wrote about women who were not only surviving, but thriving in spite of horrific circumstances in my last post. Since then I have had time to think and consider and also to be mistreated by the social workers and my ex. I have also had time to finish chemotherapy. I now have a plan. I am a good teacher, I am good at conflict resolution and I am awesome at motivation and organization. After having started and run five businesses, homeschooled ten kids (successfully, might I add, their public school teachers were impressed), done numerous extensive home renovations and projects, birthed at home alone five times, attended other's births, led homeschooling workshops and encouraged many other parents in their homeschooling/educational journey, I have started a home tutoring/organizational coaching service. I believe that I have the skills necessary to help other families succeed in educating their children and organizing their homes. As long as one of the parents is not a sociopath. I am very excited about this new project. I will be one of those women who survive and THRIVE in spite of a sociopathic, narcissistic ex who is hell-bent on destroying me and any happiness I could have.

Here's to the start of a new chapter in my life!

Half the Sky

I just finished an amazing book called "Half the Sky" written by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. It talked about all the abuse proffered to all the women all over the world. It omitted to mention the unspeakable, that some of this abuse is happening right here in North America under our noses. What really inspired me was that many of these women that they wrote about suffered terrible abuses, rapes and things that we don't even want to think of, but rose above their suffering and have even prospered. The subtitle of the book is "Turning oppression into opportunity for women worldwide". It has inspired me.

I need to make money. I need to see my kids. I have no money, no job, no skills and cancer. I don't know where to start. I have been abused for twenty years and I am insecure. Cancer treatment has left me exhausted and often confused. My memory has suffered. My only skills are management, bead-making, sewing, cleaning, bread-making and extreme fatigue. I have two years of college where I studied chemistry, calculus, business math, biology, psychology and accounting. But that was 24 years ago. I don't know where to start. My kids need me though even if for only a weekend a month. I need to find a way to make some money to pay for that one weekend a month and for a birthday present for each of them a year.

The women in this amazing book managed to do it somehow. I must be able to too.

Another day in paradise

Well, another day. I am happy to be alive sometimes. But most of the time I am worried about my children. What kind of man takes a bath with his kids and holds his hard penis back with his hand? And why didn't I know that it wasn't normal? I honestly thought (until a few days ago) that a man could have just an elbow brush his dick and he would get a hard on. I just discovered that my ex is pretty messed up to be getting a hard on with his little girls in the bath. Why does he still take baths with my three year old and five year old with the door shut and locked and won't let his girlfriend in? Why is child protection finding this normal? Why is it abnormal that I be worried? Why am I the evil one here? Why can he pick up his ex-girlfriends dog in front of the police and our young children by the neck and throw him in her car and everyone finds that normal? Why can he throw down her air conditioner on the cement in front of the police and everyone thinks that its normal? Why do I call the child protection services for answers and I get no answers, no call backs, no responses? Are they not my children too? What the hell is going on?

Why can he call me a piece of garbage on two feet with pieces missing and get away with it? (esti de dechet a deux pattes avec des morceaux qui manquent en plus) and still be mister nice guy with the social workers? (I'm missing a breast from the mastectomy. Kind man isn't he.) I have never called him a name, I have only said to the social workers that he is a narcissist. I have never ever called him a name or been cruel to him. I have asked him to remove my childrens' photos from his dating site. That allowed me that lovely compliment written above.

And now he won't even allow me to speak to the children. He has somehow convinced the social workers that I am to blame for whatever psychosis he is putting us all through. Insanity.

Cancer again!!!

Well I haven't posted for awhile. Not long after my last post I went for a routine gynecology checkup and realized that I had a lump in my breast again. Cancer had once again reared its ugly head. This time I had no choice but to get a port in my arm (with a tube all the way to my heart) to get poison pumped into my body. The hope being that the cancer would not come back. Meanwhile my ex continued to pump poison into my little ones minds. Reminding them constantly that I didn't care about the kids, that I was just pretending to have cancer so I wouldn't have to take care of them etc. He started drinking extensively and neglecting the children even more than before. If that could be possible. My 21 year old raped my 17 year old and got my eight year old drunk. All under their dad's supervision. He started taking drugs with the kids. Finally after my botched mastectomy surgery and at the start of my first chemo session, my eighteen year old showed up at my door with blood streaming down his head. His dad had attacked him. Two weeks later, after threatening to "break his face in a million pieces" and "send him to the morgue" several times a day, he held a knife to his throat and threatened him. My son got up the courage to phone the police and my ex went to jail. I found a family to take my kids just for the time that I was doing chemo therapy. But now social services was involved. My ex is a perverse narcissist. He can sell a freezer to an Eskimo. The young lady believed every word he said. He was out of jail in a flash and had the kids back within four months.

Anyways, I will write more later, I can't do anymore, it is too painful. The saga continues. My chemo is almost done, only three treatments left, then tamoxifen. I tried it once already and had a really bad reaction. I am on effexor now though so it might be doable. Effexor makes the hot flashes much reduced and allows me to sleep. So good night and I will write more tomorrow.

What do I hold on to?

There doesn't seem anything to be any way out of this terrible situation. My ex is not normal. He is making sure that I pay for leaving him. He is making no effort to make sure that I can see the kids. And it's funny, my subconscious still makes up excuse for him like I always did. He always made sure that I knew everything was my fault. He is doing it still and I still fall for it.