Damaged goods.

I decided that no matter anyone else said or did, my marriage would work. I would change enough that my marriage would work. I was with an asshole for the rest of my life, but I would do anything I needed to make sure that I stayed relatively sane and I stayed with him.

Why didn't I get a divorce when he stole the kids? For someone from the outside, even for me now, it would seem the logical thing to have done. The problem was that I had already been abused for five years. Abuse messes with your mind. It damages you. I had been bullied for years as a child, pushed around, treated like dirt. I had been told by my church and the bible that I had no worth other than as god's child. I was a dirty sinner. Then I went into a relationship with a man who treated my like a faulty piece of merchandise, throwing me against the wall when I didn't function correctly. Screaming at me when I said I was sad or cried. Calling me rude names. The bullying and demeaning that I had grown up with continued. When I had the chance to leave the abuse, I couldn't see a way out. He would take my kids, he would destroy my reputation, I had no job, no career, no education and more than that, my kids were my life. He was seen as a kind, loving, good man. He gave lots of money at church, he volunteered for the soup kitchen to feed the poor, he talked the talk of a good christian man. I could not see my way out. Everyone around me was blaming me for "cracking". My ex was blaming me. He had blamed me from day one, told everyone around him what a bitch I was and I had wanted to be a "good person" so I believed what he said and tried to change. I kept trying to change but it was never good enough. I didn't even know what it meant to treat myself with respect. I didn't know how to fight for it. Anyways, I was not worth it.