The Evolution of a Good Girl - Part 2

Thus my life continued. You would have thought that I would have gotten wise to the situation. But no, I continued blaming myself and my inability to please my husband for being so unhappy. I started reading books and perusing websites on women who seemed to have it together in the christian world. People like Debi Pearl, Nancy Campbell, Michelle Dugger (even talked to her on the phone), and Teri Maxwell, to name a few. They believed in homebirth, homechurch, homeschool and keeping your husband happy with your joyful attitude and healthy desire for his body. Not all these women ascribed to all those theories but most of them believed in several of those things. Now that was extreme. They had happy husbands, happy kids and apparently happy lives. I wanted what they had. I needed to do something extreme. I repented for having hated my ex so much. I repented for not being submitted enough (wtf?) and I repented for all my thoughts of self-hatred and violence towards myself. I basically repented for being alive. This is what those women taught. You are nothing, you are worthless, you are a baby-bearer, you are a slave to your husband, you are at his beck and call, you must not decided anything, you have no right to choose anything, you have no right to think, you must let him think, decide and choose everything. You must dress up sexy for him all the time (Debi Pearl), you must not express an opinion unless called upon (Teri Maxwell), you must bear many children (all those women). I had been taught since a young child that to refuse teaching was to be hard-hearted and rebellious. I became the opposite. I considered everything that I read. I thought about everything. Since my husband was constantly telling me that I was hard-headed and controlling I believed that these women had the answer for someone like me who was so obviously ruining my family. So I became someone that accepted anything I heard that sounded spiritual. What an idiot I was.

1. I was spiritual if I had kids. Well, that sounded good, I was so miserable with my husband that having children to take care of and to love sounded nice. I thought that they would grow up and I would be able to go visit them and spend time with them instead of having to be around my husband. He wouldn't tell me not to visit our children even if he could tell me not to travel elsewhere. I had to obey him so this seemed like a chance at a bit of freedom later on. I had to plan the pregnancies and take my temperature to make sure that we conceived as my ex's sexual practises were a little odd and weren't exactly conducive to getting pregnant.  But conceive I did, six times over the next nine years. 
2. I was spiritual if I submitted myself to the teachings of other "godly" women who were succeeding. I threw myself into the teachings of Nancy Campbell, Teri Maxwell, and Debi Pearl. Their lives worked. They were submitted to their husbands, happy and successful. They had their own businesses that their husbands had blessed. God must be really happy with them so I thought that if I could just repeat their formula, things would work. I destroyed my health, following their teachings. There is no room in any of their crap that provides for abusive husbands who systematically work at breaking down their wives psychologically. 
3. I was spiritual if I home-everythinged. So home-everything I did. And it made my husband happy as he didn't want me out of the house. He wanted to control who I saw and what I did. Having me pregnant and barefoot and stuck at the house all the time fell right into what he wanted.
4. I was spiritual if my husband was happy. Then god was happy with me. Each and every time I adopted one of these changes in my life that these women recommended, my psycho husband would be happy for a couple of weeks. He felt in control. But like any immature two year old, it never lasted. The more he got what he wanted, the more angry he became over time. His rage got bigger and bigger until the slightest thing that I did would make him angry. There would be huge Hiroshima-like blow-ups for the slightest misstep on my part.  He would scream so loud that spittle would fly all over me. It was especially horrible if we were in the van with all the kids and he decided to blow up like that. I was stuck getting spit on and screamed at. My skin would just crawl.
5. I was spiritual if I dressed how my husband wanted. This created a problem though as my husband liked me looking like a slut. So how can you be a good christian woman and dress like a slut? This internal conflict was hard to deal with especially with all the conflicting advice that all the christian women give, be it at churches or in books.
6. I was spiritual if I followed my husband wherever he went and listened to everything he said. So we changed churches many times. My husband fought with everyone so we never lasted long in one church. But he always managed to blame me. He would come home and tell me that so and so had done such and such. Then he would tell me to deal with it. "Go talk to them" he would say. So I was submitted. I agonised over all these things, but did what he told me in the end. It was awful. Thus, all those people thought that I was the instigator and fighter. I believe that some of those people still believe that now. Especially since my ex followed and told them "See, I knew she was trouble, she just makes fights all the time." 

I can't write anymore. Not now. My stomach is in knots and I feel nauseous. But I need to get it out. I need to sort all this out. I lie awake at night going through the whole story over and over again. I still blame myself for a lot and still believe a lot of the lies that my ex has told me. Many people around me have tried to convince me otherwise, but twenty years of conditioning doesn't go away in two years. Writing this out helps me to see more clearly what was really going on. 

Thanks for reading and thanks for your comments.