Crazy making...

Have you ever expressed an opinion or feeling and been told that what you just said was not true and was stupid? Then thought that you probably were stupid?

Have you ever been yelled at, told you were an idiot, annoying, stupid and mentally unstable just for saying that you didn't agree with something someone said? Then actually believed what that person said?

Have you ever been excited about an idea or just been babbling about something you were thinking and then been screamed at like you were a total imbecile and told that you were saying those things just to try to control the other person?

Have you ever tried to make and keep friendships but been isolated and kept from them as soon as you got close? Been told that they were not good for you and that they were trying to harm you? You didn't think so, but began to doubt everything you thought because the other person was older than you and had more experience?

Have you ever been kept awake repeatedly and not been allowed to sleep? Have you begged to sleep and been told that you were demanding, messed up, annoying and should just manage by yourself?

Have you ever been promised that tomorrow you would get a massage or some special little treat for your birthday and then done or said some little tiny thing wrong and not been worthy of that nice treatment? Then wondered for weeks after what you could have done differently because it was obviously your fault?

Have you ever walked on eggshells around someone knowing that you could say or do something that could make him blow up and you would be weeks and weeks yelled at for every word that came out of your mouth? Then literally spent years reliving every word, thought and gesture, wondering if you could have done something differently?

Have you ever been made to feel like you are unworthy of attention, love or respect because everything you say or do is intentionally twisted out of context and you are made out to sound like a lazy, stupid, unworthy, aggressive, crazy, controlling and manipulative woman?

Have these things ever repeatedly happened to you until you questioned every single word that came out of your mouth?

And then have you had your children stolen from this same person? And have no one around you believe the agony and torture you have lived through for so many years?

Have you ever awoken night after night with dreams of your stolen children? Then lain awake for hours wondering how you could have said or done things differently to not let that happen?

Have you ever been diagnosed with cancer and known you deserved it?

If you have, please let me know how you are doing today. It has been five years since I left that person and yet the sleepless nights and guilt are not getting any better. That person is dragging me to court and lying to the judges, lawyers and child protection services all the time. I wish I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I've told the truth. Every step of the way. I have not exaggerated, lied, changed or twisted the events.

Yet, nobody believes me. It is so strange to have clung so tightly to the truth fo so long and then being displayed for the world like a manipulator and a liar. I put up with the worst kind of psychological abuse until I honestly felt I was going crazy. When I finally dared to try and escape, the "truth" became strangely modified and I was now the bad guy. After twenty years of trying so hard to make my ex happy, he now tells everyone that I am trying to destroy his life for nothing. He tells child protection services that I am making up lies to destroy him. He tells the judge that I am crazy and after him for revenge. He tells everyone who will listen that I was not abused but that I am making everything up. He tells storied about how wonderful he was, that he helped with all the kids, did school with them, supported all of us financially and renovated and paid for the whole house. He of course did nothing of the sort but he is so convincing. I always kept a smile on my face and hid his abuse for everyone around us. No one knew. I burned all my journals, shredded them the day I separated from my ex. I was so glad to be rid of his abuse. But it never stops. And it never will.

One word of advice for those who are hoping to escape their abusers. Document everything. Don't leave until you have kept detailed notes of what he is doing. Record the psychological abuse if possible. Take pictures of the bruises and the holes in the walls. Note times and dates of the neglect and abuse toward your children. Remember that your abuser will turn on you and you need to be prepared. Talk to EVERYONE around about how you are being treated. Call the police when you are scared. Get a restraining order. Make sure that the abuse has a paper trail because believe me, when you leave, your whole life story will become one big lie to everyone around you.