Half the Sky

I just finished an amazing book called "Half the Sky" written by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. It talked about all the abuse proffered to all the women all over the world. It omitted to mention the unspeakable, that some of this abuse is happening right here in North America under our noses. What really inspired me was that many of these women that they wrote about suffered terrible abuses, rapes and things that we don't even want to think of, but rose above their suffering and have even prospered. The subtitle of the book is "Turning oppression into opportunity for women worldwide". It has inspired me.

I need to make money. I need to see my kids. I have no money, no job, no skills and cancer. I don't know where to start. I have been abused for twenty years and I am insecure. Cancer treatment has left me exhausted and often confused. My memory has suffered. My only skills are management, bead-making, sewing, cleaning, bread-making and extreme fatigue. I have two years of college where I studied chemistry, calculus, business math, biology, psychology and accounting. But that was 24 years ago. I don't know where to start. My kids need me though even if for only a weekend a month. I need to find a way to make some money to pay for that one weekend a month and for a birthday present for each of them a year.

The women in this amazing book managed to do it somehow. I must be able to too.

Another day in paradise

Well, another day. I am happy to be alive sometimes. But most of the time I am worried about my children. What kind of man takes a bath with his kids and holds his hard penis back with his hand? And why didn't I know that it wasn't normal? I honestly thought (until a few days ago) that a man could have just an elbow brush his dick and he would get a hard on. I just discovered that my ex is pretty messed up to be getting a hard on with his little girls in the bath. Why does he still take baths with my three year old and five year old with the door shut and locked and won't let his girlfriend in? Why is child protection finding this normal? Why is it abnormal that I be worried? Why am I the evil one here? Why can he pick up his ex-girlfriends dog in front of the police and our young children by the neck and throw him in her car and everyone finds that normal? Why can he throw down her air conditioner on the cement in front of the police and everyone thinks that its normal? Why do I call the child protection services for answers and I get no answers, no call backs, no responses? Are they not my children too? What the hell is going on?

Why can he call me a piece of garbage on two feet with pieces missing and get away with it? (esti de dechet a deux pattes avec des morceaux qui manquent en plus) and still be mister nice guy with the social workers? (I'm missing a breast from the mastectomy. Kind man isn't he.) I have never called him a name, I have only said to the social workers that he is a narcissist. I have never ever called him a name or been cruel to him. I have asked him to remove my childrens' photos from his dating site. That allowed me that lovely compliment written above.

And now he won't even allow me to speak to the children. He has somehow convinced the social workers that I am to blame for whatever psychosis he is putting us all through. Insanity.

Cancer again!!!

Well I haven't posted for awhile. Not long after my last post I went for a routine gynecology checkup and realized that I had a lump in my breast again. Cancer had once again reared its ugly head. This time I had no choice but to get a port in my arm (with a tube all the way to my heart) to get poison pumped into my body. The hope being that the cancer would not come back. Meanwhile my ex continued to pump poison into my little ones minds. Reminding them constantly that I didn't care about the kids, that I was just pretending to have cancer so I wouldn't have to take care of them etc. He started drinking extensively and neglecting the children even more than before. If that could be possible. My 21 year old raped my 17 year old and got my eight year old drunk. All under their dad's supervision. He started taking drugs with the kids. Finally after my botched mastectomy surgery and at the start of my first chemo session, my eighteen year old showed up at my door with blood streaming down his head. His dad had attacked him. Two weeks later, after threatening to "break his face in a million pieces" and "send him to the morgue" several times a day, he held a knife to his throat and threatened him. My son got up the courage to phone the police and my ex went to jail. I found a family to take my kids just for the time that I was doing chemo therapy. But now social services was involved. My ex is a perverse narcissist. He can sell a freezer to an Eskimo. The young lady believed every word he said. He was out of jail in a flash and had the kids back within four months.

Anyways, I will write more later, I can't do anymore, it is too painful. The saga continues. My chemo is almost done, only three treatments left, then tamoxifen. I tried it once already and had a really bad reaction. I am on effexor now though so it might be doable. Effexor makes the hot flashes much reduced and allows me to sleep. So good night and I will write more tomorrow.